


I Am The Condescension

by Qwerty_2poynt0



Series: History In Moments [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adorable, Cute, Fluff, Lovely, quaint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-26 18:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5015119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qwerty_2poynt0/pseuds/Qwerty_2poynt0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was going to hunt that brat down and wring her neck! Right after I stabbed her with my trident. I was storming down the hallway when I heard the other brat sniveling about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am The Condescension

   I was going to hunt that brat down and wring her neck! Right after I stabbed her with my trident. I was storming down the hallway when I heard the other brat sniveling about it.

   "Mom, why'd Jade leave?"

   I still didn't get this planet's thing with parental figures. The last parental figure I met... I didn't like thinking about her. I didn't like  _her._ I didn't. I hated her, that's why I squashed the rebellion. It was a blemish on my record, one that I wasn't having. _  
_

   "Mommy?", he squeaked.

   "Don't call me that!", I snapped. He jumped back, like he was afraid of me. Good.

   "I- I'm sorry Mother."

   Mother... I hated that word. I hated it more than anything. Mothers made stupid decisions for useless wrigglers that just cause them grief. There's nothing good about raising things. Raising things means you get attached to them. It makes you weak. Why did she have to pretend it was noble or something?

   "I ain't your mother, stop saying that!"

   He sniffed and his eyes flooded. Sassacre was out of commission, considering he was stuffed in front of the fireplace. Stupid jokester. Now I had to deal with the little pink monkeys. I didn't want to, but the old man didn't have the sense to just send them off somewhere where they'd be someone else's problem. Those firey death balls that they'd come in on had killed his lusus for crying out loud! If anything, he should be mad at them. But he actually liked them! I'll never understand why anyone would want to parent someone else. He'd know what to do about the crying child, though.

   "Is- is she gonna come back?", his voice wobbled like a dingy tossed into the middle of a hurricane.

   "No, so stop cryin' about it and deal with it!"

   That was when he started bawling. It was a horrible sound that murdered my eardrums and shattered my cardiovascular organ. Almost like a more annoying, less deadly Vast Glub. Was this seriously what parents had to deal with?

   "DIDN'T YOU )(-EAR W)(AT I JUST SAID?! I S)(OALD YOU TO STOP CRYING!"

   "But-"

   "BUT NOFIN! YOU DO AS I SAY, NOT)(ING L-ESS! SO SUCK IT UP!"

   "... Who are you?"

    _"What?"_ _  
_

   "If you're not my Mom, who are you?"

   I'd had enough of this planet. I didn't care what He did, I was staking my claim. Even if it was just in front of a brat who hadn't even finished primary schoolfeeding yet. I let go of my constant, omnidirectional glamour to let him see me for what I was. His eyes were the size of tide pools when I began.

   "Who am I? I am the bane of multiple universes. I am a ruler, a conqueror, and death's handmaid. I am the empress of Alternia and I have slaughtered millions and have caused the extinction of at least three species in my lifetime, which spans hundreds, and will continue to span thousands of years. I am the baroness of Crocker Corp. and will continue to be so until I'm given the okay to cause the extinction of the entire human race, which could happen tomorrow or in a thousand years. I am power, I am strength, I am beauty, I'm basically perfection, I am The Batterwitch, The Peixes. I am Her Imperious Condescension. Never forget that, you pathetic little buoy."

   He stared at me blankly for a few seconds as his tiny mind absorbed the information. Before I could properly reinstate the glamour, he was jumping up and down with this huge dorky smile on his face.

   "That's so cool! My Mom is an alien or something! This is awesome!"

   I stared at the idiot for a few seconds while he giggled to himself. What the shell? Humans are so  _stupid!_

   "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not your mom!"

   "... But Jade said that's how adoption worked. A person or two married people adopted a kid or more and they were their mom and dad then."

   "Well, don't think that's how I do things! You may address me as Ma'am, your exshellency, or your formiddable highness."

   "Yes, your exshellency... What does ex-shell-inksy mean?"

   "Exshellency. Sea pun for excellency. You should know what that means."

   "Sea pun... Oh! So that's what that was!"

   "What?"

   "When you said 'shoald' and 'nofin' I thought you just weren't pronouncing them right, but those were sea puns!"

   " 'Tis the way of my peeps."

   He snickered.

   "What?"

   "You're just really funny.", he smiled that big goofy smile Sassacre sometimes used. I still couldn't decide whether or not I hated it.

   "Say that again and I fork you."

   "Yes ma'am!", he saluted me with that dumb smile still plastered on his face. Did he treat everything like a game? Or was that just an earthling thing? Still, getting some respect for once wasn't too bad.

   "Good. Now-"

   The front door burst open and the other brat dashed in. I quickly put the glamour back into commission as she tackled him and started blubbering.

   "I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you behind, I'm a terrible sister, I promise I won't do it again! I was so lonely without you, and I shouldn't have left you with her I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"

   "-ENOUGH)(!", I shouted, she sniffed and looked back at me, "YOU!", I pointed at her, "No dinner for a month. That display was sickening, never do it again. If you're going to run away, stay away."

   "But-", the boy started, I cut him off.

   "You, don't forget what I said and inform that one of it word for word, I don't repeat myself-"

   "Shellf", he said.

   "What?", I gave him my least vicious pissed off look to silently tell him not to interrupt me. Maybe I was better at this care-taking thing than I thought.

   "It's a sea pun! You said myself, but since you like using sea puns, I thought you'd use myshellf."

   I stared at him blankly for a few seconds before cocking my head to the side.

   "It's easier for most of your species' tiny minds if I don't use 'em."

   "Aw, but I like them."

   "You tail no one, got it?"

   "Understood, your exshellency!"

   I smirked and rolled my eyes.

   "I'll be making lunch."

   I walked away as he began babbling about what I'd told him. Kids can be cute sometimes. They're cute enough not to kill on sight at least.


End file.
